Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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