you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
barbara walters just said penis...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
