I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
