6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
