About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I AM VODKA MAN
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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