is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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