matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
