Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
