and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
