Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
All the doctor said was why
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
