woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
