I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
