It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
