so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
