we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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