put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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