I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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