I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
