how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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