I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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