dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
