You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
