i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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