**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
