Buhtt sex?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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