So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
