i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
