The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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