what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
