i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
