I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
