I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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