Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
