This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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