I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
