So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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