The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
