all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Are we still banned from the library?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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