I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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