Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
