TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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