Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
