My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
