I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
