By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
