you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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