At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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