Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
