how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Im part way to drunk.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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