this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
