No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
